We're Taking Over Revisited
by Lilunamesonks
Summary: Voldemort and the Death Eaters, that is, if they were incredibly dim-witted and concocted plans labeled A through Z to destroy Harry Potter, with Snape there to half-heartedly attempt to thwart their attempts. T for language.
1. Prologue

**A/N: **About four years ago, when I was thirteen, I wrote a fanfiction about the Death Eaters and Voldemort called "We're Taking Over: Plans A through Z" that, let's be honest, was absolutely ridiculous. They constructed plans lettered A through Z to try and destroy Harry Potter, with such devices as "Alphabits" and "Dance Dance Revolution". At times, it was actually hysterical. Of course, it was pulled by this site, and the documents disappeared somewhere between computers, and the files can be found on neither the new nor the old.

So I recently *cough* five minutes ago *cough* resolved to rewrite this odd tale, as I like to think that four years experience has made me a superior writer, as well as about eight times as insane as I was.

This is the new version of that story. Some of the plans are similar, but mostly it's just me spouting even more silliness, as I've got loads of it in me. Enjoy. Or don't. As it's written in script, it will most likely be pulled again, but I'll repost it just to be a pain in the ass.

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely none of this. **

_We're Taking Over Revisited- Prologue_

_(In a den located somewhere at the center of the earth, because that's where Voldemort is likely to hide out, the Dark Lord sits perched upon a throne made of molten rock, his faithful Death Eaters before him. They are surrounded by cascading falls of lava, as is to be expected. Ho-hum and such.)_

Voldemort: Friends…Douche bags…Countrymen…lend me your ears…

Bellatrix: (_pulls out knife and begins to sever ear.)_

Voldemort: (_disgusted) _…figuratively.

Bellatrix: (_holding ear)_ I feel like such a dork.

Lucius: Yeah, well, go with the feeling.

Voldemort: Gather round, my minions, gather round. It's time for a story.

Dolohov: Can it be about a princess this time?

Voldemort: No.

Dolohov: _(begins to cry) _Pretty please? Pretty pretty please with a cherry on top and sprinkles and mushrooms and pinecones and laxatives?

Voldemort: That is simply the most revolting "please" I've ever heard in my life. But to the point, I lied, it's not story time. An issue has recently come to my attention…

Wormtail: My Lord, is this about the elephant in the room?

Voldemort: The elephant in the room? _(paranoid)_ ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MY HORCRUXES?

Wormtail: Er…your what now? I was referring to the elephant in the room _(gestures to the elephant that just so happens to be standing in the room)._

Voldemort: _(breathes a sigh of relief)_ Oh, yes, Ludacris there. Give him your warmest welcome. BUT TO BUSINESS, I have meaning to choose a new name for my lackeys. Death Eaters is rather _boring_, it makes you all sound like the ghosts from Pac Man.

Bellatrix: I think it's a brilliant name, my lord, but of course, anything you dream up would be the most splendid utterance that was ever spoken.

Voldemort: There's a time and a place for this sort of ass-kissing, Bellatrix, and it's usually a dark room once I've had a few drinks of Windex and there are no reruns of Grey's Anatomy for me to watch.

Bellatrix: _(blushing)_ My apologies, my lord.

Voldemort: Very well, very well. The point being, I have grown rather tired of the moniker "Death Eaters", it makes it sound like you _remove_ death from the world rather than _create _death. The only death I wish to remove from the world is mine! And Phil Collins', I rather like him.

Rookwood: Isn't "creating death" a bit of a paradox?

Voldemort: NO ONE ASKED YOU, ROOKWOOD, AND IF YOU CONTINUE TO INTERUPT ME I WILL TRANSFIGURE YOU INTO A MUTATED SEA CUCUMBER. Anyway, I'm open to suggestions for the new name, as long as they aren't as stupid as I expect them to be. Preferably something involving death, but more like you spread death…

Amycus: Death spreaders?

Voldemort: No, no, that reminds me of Nutella.

Nott: Death spewers.

Voldemort: No, that's not a word, the improper grammar will bother me…

Greyback: Death rippers!

Voldemort: Have you been listening to anything I've said?

Rowle: Death spitters!

Macnair: We love death!

Alecto: Shred your face off with a cheese grater!

Yaxley: ARGENTINIAN HAMSTER SPONGE!

Voldemort:…What…in the hell…

Yaxley: I have no regrets.

Voldemort: Clearly. As you are all too incontinent to—

Narcissa: I believe you mean _incompetent_.

Voldemort: Oh yes, malapropisms and such. As you all suck too much to come up with your own name, I am thus crowning you all THE DEATH PISSERS. That's right, you piss death. Voldemort- 1, Death Pissers-0. Our first order of business is to KILL HARRY POTTER.

Narcissa: Funny, I thought that was our ONLY order of business…

Voldemort: LUCIUS, HOW DID YOUR ALBINO PEACOCKS GET DOWN HERE? Oh, wait, that's your wife. Excuse me, Narcissa, for I was confused seeing as you are not a Death Pisser and no one asked for your opinion. But, nonetheless, Harry Potter remains living, and I have compiled a list of plans A through Z to destroy him. You will all assist me, of course, or I'll eat you.

Greyback: That used to be my thing…

Voldemort: Well, I was rather fond of it, so I'm stealing it.

Greyback: Well I might as well not even be here!

Voldemort: I rather say the author of this abomination has too many Death Pissers to juggle as it is, but you may prove useful in due course, so I'll refrain from killing you just yet.

Greyback: You're too kind.

Voldemort: Now, let us discuss the things we came here to discuss…we attack at dawn. Or rather, breakfast.

_We're Taking Over Revisited- Prologue_

**A/N: **Welcome to this odd collection. Feel free to read as I send the newly crowned "Death Pissers" through the alphabet, with mind-numbingly insipid plots to kill Harry Potter, which sometimes sound like the writing journal of a kindergartner with ADHD. And of course, Snape will be there to half-heartedly sabotage their plots in attempts to save Lily Evans' son from the…well, we can't really call it _doom_…impending…something…that Voldemort has planned for him.

We'll see how this goes then.

Love always,

Jes


	2. A is for Alphabits

A/N: Well hello there darlings. For those of you who favorited/reviewed, I am very flattered, thank you.

BUT let us get on with the story here, right? Of course, of course. This is the same plan A that the Death Pissers originally had, but since I no longer have the original, the result will be a bit different.

_We're Taking Over Revisited- Plan "A is for Alphabits"_

Bellatrix: So, my lord, what do you want to do tonight?

Narcissa: It's six in the morning.

Voldemort: Same thing we always do, take over the wo—I mean, kill Harry Potter.

Wormtail: And how, most splendiferous lord, are we going to do that?

Voldemort: _(laughs maniacally and takes a puff of a corn cob pipe)_ with breakfast! I have concocted a full proof plan to kill Harry Potter by HIS OWN FOOD! _(more evil laughter)_

Travers: Are we going to do the whole "shards of glass in the muffin" thing again? 'Cause that didn't go so well.

Voldemort: No, we are not going to put a crushed up light bulb in his muffin! We're going to use cereal this time…Alphabits!

Bellatrix: My lord! My lord! I knew it, your brilliance has come up with a way to make the Killing Curse work when spelled out in cereal! Oh, my lord! My LORD! _(Begins rolling around on the ground, jubilant) _

Voldemort: Er…no, although that does sound deliciously evil, now that I think about it. Perhaps…but no! The plan I have concocted is even more brilliant, for we will systematically cause Harry Potter to take his own life!

Snape: And how are we going to do that?

Voldemort: Yes, I was just getting to that Severus, if you would shut your ungodly misshapen face, thanks. We are going to spell out the names of Harry Potter's parents in his Alphabits, and he, overcome with emotion, will drown himself in them! HA!

Bellatrix: BRILLIANT my lord! Absolute genius! You ALWAYS come up with the very best of plans! _(whispers to Narcissa) _We are so screwed…

**LATER at breakfast in the Entrance Hall** (do not ask me how an entire parade of Death Pissers just managed to traipse through the Hogwarts gates COMPLETELY undetected. There are some questions I simply don't have the answer to)

Voldemort: Alright team, you know the plan. Now go make it work while I fix my manicure out here…

Lucius: _(whispering with Nott and Selwyn)_ Alright, so they'll be under the table and then we go in for the kill…

**IN THE GREAT HALL:**

Harry: You know, I'm not very hungry, I think I'll just head up to the common room before Transfiguration and…

Rowle: _(hiding his entire huge self under the table, which is actually lifted a few inches off the ground and resting on his back. It is slanted toward the front of the hall, forming a slope.) (in a horrible imitation of Hermione's voice)_ Are you SURE? I thought you were absolutely starving!

Hermione: Who said that? _(checks under table)_ Harry, there's a big blond Death Eater under the table…

Rowle: _(still imitating Hermione)_ Oh, wait, no there isn't, I just made that up.

Ron: _(looks)_ Yep, that's definitely a Death Eater. You can tell by the snout.

Rookwood: _(who is sitting next to Dean Thomas further down the table) _We're not Death Eaters anymore! We're the Death _Pissers!_

Ron: _(stifling a laugh)_ God Hermione! You're so stupid!

Rookwood: I know right?

Lucius: _(sneaking up behind Harry, who starts a bit when Lucius first speaks) _Well I think you should at least have some cereal _(places a bowl of Alphabits in front of Harry and sniggers)_.

Nott: _(appearing from behind Harry, as Lucius did)_ Ooh! Alphabits! Do they SAY anything?

Harry: Um, yes, well…are those the lyrics to"Come On Eileen"?

Nott: What the crap! _(Points wand at bowl, where letters rearrange themselves)_ What do they say NOW?

Hermione: I don't know what you guys are getting at, but this is really getting to be annoying. Maybe it happened with the name change, but you guys aren't as menacing as you used to be. In fact, you're almost like a cartoon version of your old selves and—

Rowle: Not menacing? _(Makes a sound that sounds like a cross between a roar and a hiss, and starts sliding around on the floor like a penguin, flapping his arms) _I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna SQUEEZE you 'til you ooze rainbows!

Ron: Alright special ed Barbie, that's enough.

Lucius: Rowle, will you shut up! Now, Potter, what do your Alphabits say NOW?

Harry: _(confused)_ "Australians all love ostriches."

Rookwood: Funny, I'd have thought they prefer emus, seeing as that's one of the birds on their—

Lucius: ALRIGHT, enough about Australians! All those Aborigines…

Rookwood: Can we PLEASE just leave the Aborigines out of this FOR ONCE?

Lucius: Let's get back to the Alphabits, shall we? _(Points wand at the bowl, where the Alphabits once again rearrange themselves)_ What about NOW Potter, what do they say now?

Harry: Er, I don't know that I'm comfortable—

Lucius: A-ha! I knew it! It must be something personal!

Harry: Not really…it's a bit lewd actually…

Lucius: What—_(leans over Harry's shoulder to read the Alphabits, and mumbles)…_with a soldering iron? I did not write that! I would never do such a thing on a Wednesday!

Snape: _(walks by and *accidentally* bumps into Harry, spilling the Alphabits)_ Oh, my bad.

Lucius: NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU MEDIOCRE DUNCE?

McGonagall: Potter, what are you—Are those Death Eaters in the _Great Hall?_

Rookwood: What is with you people? Why is that no one seems to know that we no longer eat death, we piss it?

McGonagall: _(furiously herds them out, using that hissing noise the dog whisperer uses) _Out! Get! _(Hagrid is at the hall's entrance)_ Hagrid, we really need to start spraying the place, this is getting to be ridiculous.

_(Rowle leaves the hall, overturning the Gryffindor table getting up. Lucius, Nott and Rookwood all leave the hall sticking their tongues out at McGonagall. Voldemort and the other Death Pissers are waiting for them in the hall.)_

Voldemort: _(arms folded with a big ol' pouty bottom lip) _I can't believe you screwed this up! It was BULLETPROOF! Come on _Eileen? _At the very least you could have Safety Danced, Lucius, you won _trophies_ for that for Merlin's sake!

**BACK AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH**

Voldemort: I cannot believe you botched my plan…although, what did I expect, entrusting such idiots with my sacred knowledge?

Narcissa: You are nuttier about your cereal than the Trix Rabbit…

Voldemort: It's not about the cereal! It's about KILLING HARRY POTTER! It's always about that!

Lucius: My lord, we did our best. And the attempt wasn't completely wasted! We had fun, and we learned something!

Voldemort: _(enraged)_ Oh really, Lucius? What did you learn today?

Lucius: Australians all love ostriches!

Voldemort: And WHY would I care what Australians love? Unless it's a dead Potter, I don't give half of a rat's—

Wormtail: Oh I see how it is! _(storms out of lair)_

Voldemort: Wormtail, wait, that's not what I—oh, whatever, he's just cranky because it's his time of the month…

Greyback: I think you're confusing him with me…you know…and the full moon.

Voldemort: No, I'm not, I mean that time of month where he must abstain from cross-dressing.

_We're Taking Over Revisited- Plan "A is for Alphabits"_

A/N: And that, loves, is what you call improvised nonsense. But I hope you get a few chuckles out of it. That's a funny word, chuckle…hmm…

Yours forever,

Jes


	3. B is for Buckbeak

Well hello there lovelies! So sorry about disappearing like that, I got a bit caught up in finishing my college applications and taking finals. Did I say I finished my college applications? Well, all the ones for U.S. schools anyway…*bangs head on desk*

But, without further ado, let us continue this wonderful piece of…something (Which I have re-hosted at .com/ in case it goes missing from this site).

(I'm rather fond of ellipses, in case you haven't realized)

This chapter is politically incorrect and I don't care.

_We're Taking Over Revisited- Plan "B is for Buckbeak"_

_(the Death Pissers all milling about their center-of-the-earth lair, chatting animatedly)_

Voldemort: _(clears throat_) If I could have your attention please…_(everyone continues talking)_ Excuse me…_(still nothing, so he shouts) _EVERYBODY STOP YOUR CARRYING ON AND LISTEN OR I WILL FEED YOU TO NAGINI. NO, THAT'S NOT PAINFUL ENOUGH. I WILL FORCE YOU TO LISTEN TO CULTURE CLUB'S ENTIRE WORKS.

Rowle: _(shudders)_ Not again! I'm still seeing a therapist from last time!

Amycus: And remember what they told you, big guy? You have to think of the Gila monsters devouring Boy George, and all of the bad stuff will go away.

Rowle: You're right.

Voldemort: I DEMAND YOUR ATTENTION.

Bellatrix: You've got it, my lord!

Voldemort: That's the ticket—

Bellatrix: Any time you want it, anywhere, no matter what the circumstances, even if there's a one handed puppeteer on a unicycle and—

Voldemort: That's enough, Bellatrix. Quite enough. _(the Death Pissers gather round)_ Well, we haven't gotten around to attempting to kill Harry Potter again for a few weeks now. I am not entirely blameless in—who am I kidding, of course I am! It's YOUR fault, all of you!

Bellatrix: And we're all very sorry my lord. If there is ANYTHING we could do to make it up to you, ANYTHING AT ALL. AN-EE-THING-UH.

Voldemort: Shut up.

Bellatrix: Indeed.

Voldemort: ANYWAY, doing some research into Potter's life has led me to the discovery of a close friend of Potter's, someone he once risked his life to save.

Lucius: The Weasley girl?

Voldemort: No, too gingery for my taste.

Wormtail: Sirius Black? We are on plan B.

Voldemort: No, not him either.

Macnair: That Diggory kid?

Voldemort: Who? NO, you're all wrong! So very wrong! It's a CLOSE friend of Potter's, not his stupid girlfriend or father figure or a _Hufflepuff_, for god's sake! I'm talking about BUCKBEAK!

Lucius: Who?

Voldemort: Buckbeak! Harry Potter's good friend!

Lucius: Buck…oh! The hippogriff? The one who attacked my son?

Voldemort: Aha! I must be correct! Potter's bound to love anything that caused Draco physical harm! Why else would he hang out with that Mudblood with her fancy talking and her adorable shoes…

Macnair: Er, my lord, I hate to break this to you, but Buckbeak isn't Harry Potter's friend, it's a hippogriff. One that the oaf Hagrid cared for?

Voldemort: And how would you know this? Are you SUGGESTING that you know Potter better than I do? Because that is not possible! We shared a very special moment on a very special night and there are pieces of each of us inside the other and _(half of the Death Pissers are laughing hysterically. The other half looks like they've just seen the most revolting thing in the world.)_ What? Do I have a bogey? _(Blows nose on sleeve)_

Narcissa: _(unable to breathe from extreme laughter)_ Do you ever!

Macnair: Er, um…anyway…no, my lord, it's just that I was the one who was sent to execute the great brute, so I think I would know what it…

Voldemort: BUCKEBEAK is a very close friend of Potter's! He was there on the night Potter was reunited with his godfather! It is even believed that he had a love affair with Sirius Black, whom he lived with for two years!

Macnair: They DID live together, and he WAS there, but he's a hippogriff, not a person!

Voldemort: Buckbeak is a boy, a real boy, and always will be!

Macnair: Then how do you explain his lack of a surname? 

Voldemort: He has one! It's Beak!

Macnair: So he's Buckbeak Beak?

Voldemort: NO, you idiot! Buck Beak! First name Buck, last name Beak! Buck Beak!

Narcissa: We are all doomed.

_We're Taking Over Revisited: Plan "B is for Buckbeak"_

(On the grounds of Hogwarts. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are sitting underneath the beech tree, as they often do. Voldemort, Yaxley, Avery, Lucius, and Macnair crouched behind a tree, not a small feat for a group of five, and discussing their plan. Yaxley is dressed as "Buck Beak")

Voldemort: Okay, so we have Yaxley in the Gryffindor robes, and he has the blond hair and the unibrow and looks just like this picture I have of Buckbeak _(pulls out a polaroid that has "Johnny when he came back from fat camp" written on the bottom). _Ready team? BREAK!"

_(Lucius and Avery pull out binoculars and crouch behind some bushes. Macnair and Voldemort drink Polyjuice potion and transform into a midget and a bearded lady. Yaxley approaches Harry, Hermione, and Ron.)_

Yaxley: Well hellooooooo there brethren!

Ron: Who the hell are you?

Yaxley: Oh Reginald, you jokester! It's your old friend Buck!

Ron: Er, do we know a Buck?

Yaxley: Of cooooooourse you do! Buck! Buck Beak!

Hermione: Wait a second, you're saying that you're Buckbeak?

Yaxley: PRECISELY, you charming little goateed octopus!

Hermione: _(laughs uncontrollably)_ You…can't…be serious!

Sirius: _(appearing from out of nowhere…people seem to do that a lot in this story)_ Yeeees?

Harry: Oh my god Sirius! You're dead!

Sirius: Well hold on now! What did I do?

Harry: Er…you died?

Sirius: Oh yes, that.

Remus _(also appears from nowhere. It's an epidemic)_ Well everyone just calm down now! It's not like supposedly dead, somewhat out of character people are popping up out of nowhere!

Sirius: Well, actually.

Yaxley: WHY ARE YOU NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ME HARRY? I came back from having a love affair with your god father to talk to you about something very important!

Sirius: Who the hell are you?

Yaxley: Buck Beak! Oh, don't you remember me, Sirius?

Sirius: Er, you mean, do I remember Buckbeak, about this high, gray, covered in feathers? Of course. But you, on the other hand, are ridiculous.

Remus: _(to Sirius)_ Yes, quite as ridiculous as the suggestion of a gay love affair between you and I!

Sirius: Preposterous!

Remus: Although we do rather sound like we just stepped out of an Oscar Wilde play…

Sirius: Indeed, good sir.

_(They both disappear as quickly as they came.)_

Yaxley: ANYWAY, as I was saying, I am Buck Beak! Close friend of yours, Harry, and the lover of you godfather!

Harry: First of all, accusing Sirius of bestiality is not cool. Second, you are not a hippogriff. And third, who the hell are you anyway?

Yaxley: BUCK BEAK! I can't believe you don't remember me Harry! I'm very hurt! Very hurt indeed!

Harry: Um…

Yaxley: Anyway, I have something very important to tell you, if you'll just come with me over to the lake now!

_(Harry, Ron, and Hermione follow "Buck Beak" to the lake, figuring they might as well play along. A bearded lady is currently tossing a midget into the lake, and the midget keeps swimming back to be thrown again.)_

Harry: Okay, what now…Buck…Beak?

Yaxley: _(laughs maniacally)_ I am not your good friend Buck! I am a Death Pisser! _(makes noises of urination for effect)_ MUAHAHAH!

Voldemort: _(as midget, approaches Harry Potter and grabs him around the ankles. He sinks his teeth into Harry's calf)_

Harry: OUCH! _(shakes midget off)_ What the hell is going on? And of course you're not Buckbeak you moron! Buckbeak is a hippogriff!

Macnair: _(as bearded lady)_ I told you! I was right!

Voldemort: Never mind that! It is I, Harry Potter! Lord Skeletor…I mean VOLDEMORT! _(pulls out a plastic sword and proceeds to hit Harry in the head with it, making light saber noises)_

Harry: Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna go. I'm embarrassed for you. Let's go.

_(Harry, Ron, and Hermione leave. Voldemort proceeds to slice through the air with the sword, throwing in an occasional pelvic thrust)_

Yaxley: Um, they're gone, my lord.

Voldemort: Who? Oh, yes, the Goonies…well, there's another plan failed. I suppose we should return to the lair now…

_We're Taking Over Revisited: Plan B is for "Buck Beak, good friend of Harry Potter"_

_Voldemort is reclined in his throne while a Molten Rock Man wipes his forehead with sponge and pours windex into his mouth)_

Voldemort: Thank you, Gerome. You'll be getting a raise. As for YOU _(points at all of the Death Pissers who joined him on the "Buck Beak" mission)_ You have failed me once more. And you shall pay. _(Presses the play button on a stereo. "Karma Chameleon" begins to play full volume. Yaxley, Lucius, Macnair, and Avery roll around on the ground as though in extreme pain.)_ Lock them in, Gerome. We'll see the m in 8 hours.

_We're Taking Over Revisited: Plan B is for "Bitch, I ain't Cho Chang"_

Well, I hope you enjoyed that. If not, I hope you get enjoyment from something in life, otherwise you're in for a lousy time, aren't you?

But, that is all beside the point. Or something.

All my love,

Jes


	4. C is for Cannibalism

**Hello everyone! I am aware that I have been M.I.A. for quite a bit, and for that I apologize. I have good news; I got into my top choice school! Too bad I can't afford to go there. Life sucks sometimes, huh? **

**I have every intention to finish this and get all the way through the alphabet, mostly because I have some pretty elaborate (and awesome, in my eyes at least) plans for "Z". You can probably guess what's involved from the limited number of words that start with "Z". There's a reason it's worth so many scrabble points. **

**But, don't let me bore you with details.**

_We're Taking Over Revisited- Plan "C is for Cannibalism" _

_(It's that time of year again, the annual Death Pisser social, where the kids get to dress up and dance to "If I Had a Hammer" and "Splish Splash, I Was Taking a Bath". Only one thing is missing from this totally exhilarating and not-at-all-boring bash: refreshments)_

Greyback: Your Voldiness, where's the food?

Voldemort: I'm sorry, what? You'll have to speak up so that everyone can hear you.

Greyback: _(shouting) _WHERE IS THE FOOD?

Voldemort: _(putting an arm around him) _Why, I'm so glad you asked! You see, since the author has abandoned us for a few months, we haven't had any opportunities to try KILING HARRY POTTER!

Greyback: I don't understand where you're going with this…

Voldemort: Well, I have special refreshments for all of the Death Pissers tonight. _(A trapdoor opens up in the floor and a platform emerges, upon which Harry, Ron, and Terry Boot? are tied together. _Tonight, in celebration of our first annual Death Pisser Social, you all have the honor of participating in my Plan C to conquer Harry Potter: CANNIBALISM!

Greyback: I don't think it counts as cannibalism if I eat them. I will gladly partake though!

Voldemort: Well if it's not cannibalism, I don't want you involved. AVADA KEDAVRA!

Rowle: What'd you do THAT for?

Voldemort: I'm a free bitch, baby. I do what I want. _(addressing all of the Death Pissers) _Now, everybody grab a fork and some chocolate syrup, or Tabasco sauce, whichever, and dig in to Harry Potter, his ginger friend, and… that other kid!

Terry Boot: I have a name, you know.

Voldemort: _(crouching down and baby talking to him) _I bet you do little guy! I bet you have a name all your own!

_(The Death Pissers begin adding condiments to Harry, Ron, and Terry. By the time they're done, they come to the realization that they're actually going to have to eat them…gross.)_

Narcissa: Okay, this is disgusting. You didn't actually expect _cannibalism_ to be a good idea, did you? 

Voldemort: It's vicious and perfect! This sort of savagery and evil is what I expect of my villains! Right, Amycus?

Amycus: _(stops attempting to eat Terry Boot's left earlobe) _RIGHT!

Lucius: But what happens when we get THE HUNGER?

Voldemort: _(looks around suspiciously)_ The what now?

Lucius: _(dramatically, with a flourish of the cape he's wearing) _THE HUNGER! The insatiable appetite for human flesh!

Voldemort: _(Sucking on his thinking pipe and stroking his thinking beard) _I've never heard of that. What does it entail?

Narcissa: Shot in the dark here, but I'm going to say it involves developing an insatiable appetite for human flesh.

Voldemort: Huh. That's an interesting point you raise there, Giant Albino Peacock. But where I stand, an insatiable taste for human flesh in my minions sounds exactly like something I would want.

Lucius: PERHAPS…except that the hunger knows no bounds, it has no distinction between who is a friend and who is not…friends are food as well…

Voldemort: So what you're saying is that, if I force my Death Pissers to partake in cannibalism, they'll all start eating each other? PERFECT, let the dining commence!

Lucius: _(throws a fit) _I made that whole thing up! We were supposed to do pancakes for dinner tonight! YOU PROMISED.

Voldemort: We're not doing brinner until you shave your back hair like you promised! It keeps scratching my empty crotch during our human spoon-ipede!

Bellatrix: _(panting, her mouth covered in chocolate syrup from trying to nom on Ron's foot) _My lord, the skin is too tough, we're going to have to cook them.

Voldemort: COOK? But…but…cannibalism is only fun if it's live!

Macnair: _(Looks up from licking Harry's kneecaps) _My lord, she's right, this just isn't working!

Voldemort: Dammit…I forgot the spit and the fire pit, we're just going to have to let them go!

Narcissa: I'm really not seeing the logic here?

Snape: There isn't any, just let it go.

_(Harry, Ron, and Terry Boot are untied. Harry and Ron run out of the lair, and Terry Boot moves to follow but is restrained by Wormtail)_

Wormtail: You wanted to keep this one, my lord?

Voldemort: Yes, yes. _(Inspects Terry)_ He's perfect! I have big plans for you, my dumpling!

Terry: Oh dear god…

_(The next day, Voldemort sits on his throne, while Terry Booth, dressed as a mime, rides a unicycle around the pools of Magma while singing "Who Let the Dogs Out".)_

Voldemort: _(Giggling and clapping as Terry falls and loses a sleeve to magma) _I like how he breaks the stereotype of mime by emitting noises! Teeheehee!

_Plan "C is for Cannibalism"_

**I know, that wasn't much of a chapter, but I'm trying to get something out to make up for the fact that I haven't posted anything in a very long time. I work an eight hour tomorrow though, which means I should be able to crank out something halfway decent for Plan D, since I'll be sitting at a desk doing a whole lot of nothing for quite a few hours. **

**Love always,**

**Jes**


End file.
